Eternity Lost
by Sapadu
Summary: What happens when a Jedi becomes existentialistic, or nihilistic?Rated for angst, death, angst, suicide, angst, dark themes, angst, and language.


Eternity Lost

By Sapadu

It was the sound of a blaster sounding that woke Luke Skywalker from his sleep. Almost immediately, he had his lightsaber out and activated. He wasn't sure, but he thought the sound had come from downstairs. Whatever it was that had fired the blaster was definitely in his house- that much was for sure. Artoo rolled along after him as Luke opened his bedroom door as silently as possible and slowly began to walk down the staircase. Slowly, carefully, so that the possible intruder wouldn't feel it, Luke stretched out through the Force, but no presence was downstairs. That meant, if someone had broken in, they couldn't be a living being. A droid, perhaps? But that would make no sense: droids did what their masters told them to, but there was no type of droid that could be used to break in... could there be?

Luke's foot touched the last step and he found himself in his kitchen. A quiet tapping of footsteps told him that Threepio was in good condition.

"Master Luke, I..." But the Jedi silenced his droid with a hand. There was a new moon hanging outside in the night sky, so the room was pitch black except for the glowing of Luke's lightsaber and Threepio's eye circuits. But Luke couldn't feel any other presence in the room. What was going on?

Presently, while making a short trip from room to room, Luke stumbled over something on the floor, and still groggy with sleep, almost fell on his face, regaining his balance just in time. He couldn't find the light switch, so he used the Force to turn the lights on.

As soon as Luke's eyes adjusted to the glaring light, he was suddenly aware of the huddled figure on the floor- bent doubled over on it's knees, spots of pale flesh showing through pajamas and a mop of brown hair resting, face down, on the floor. All traces of sleepiness left Luke, immediately.

"Threepio, contact the medic center! Now!" Luke ordered, dropping to his knees and rolling the boy over as gently as possible. Ken's body moved without resistance, except the heavy weight of sleep. Or death. A sharp, black blaster dropped from Ken's fingers and skidded away as Luke lay the boy on his back. A small, burned hole punctured through Ken's pajama shirt and, as Luke pulled the shirt up to reveal, there was a blast hole burned deep into his chest. The mark was too low for the blast to have hit Ken's heart, and just slightly over to the right. There was a good chance that it hadn't hit any organs at all, but Luke couldn't risk that.

"Artoo, find a bacta pack in the medical supplies." Luke said, tersely as the astromech droid rolled away to find said item. Luke's fingers felt along Ken's neck and wrist for a pulse, to find one- barely there, but there just the same. Ken wasn't breathing, though, and this was something a droid couldn't do- Luke pinched Ken's nose and breathed into his mouth, his eyes carefully trained to watch and make sure Ken's chest was rising with the breath. It was.

The medics arrived as Luke was beginning to run out of breath, and Luke had to force himself to speak coherently to the chief of staff and tell him how much he knew about the situation. There really wasn't much Luke knew- he'd just found Ken like this a few moments ago, and either way, he had to admit, finding the Jedi Prince nearly dead on his living room floor had spooked him rather badly. Threepio had been able to give testimonial that he'd seen Ken deliberately point the blaster at his chest and pulled the trigger, and for some reason, it made Luke feel sick to think about it.

With that in mind, the medics left, giving Luke enough information so he'd be able to find Ken without any trouble should he come to visit. Luke fully planned on visiting Ken, as soon as he got dressed and could figure out who the hell the blaster belonged to. Luke didn't have any blasters- he didn't have any need for them, now that he was a Jedi and liked, as a general rule, to keep any weapons he WOULD need if the occasion ever should arise in a secure place, especially since he'd taken on the role as Ken's guardian. It had been three years to the day since Ken had come to live with Luke. Luke had suitable clothes for leaving his house on in a matter of seconds and came back to the living room to examine the blaster that was up against a wall. Right where he'd left it.

Luke knelt and examined the blaster as closely as he could without touching it and perhaps disturbing some clue as to who it belonged to. Finding no visible evidence, Luke stretched, ever so cautiously tapping at the blaster's aura, with the Force. An image of the blaster's owner rose to surface in his mind: Fiery red hair and bright green eyes.

Luke's eyes opened and he picked up the blaster, walking out the front door, heading straight for the apartment of one Mara Jade.

* * *

"Hey, farmboy, what the hell d'ya think you're doing, draggin' me outta bed this late at night?" The vivacious ex-assassin demanded, pulling a silk robe even tighter around her slight frame. Luke extended his hand with the blaster in it. She blinked and took it, a look in her eyes saying Luke had better explain or he was a dead man.

"You must have left it at my house." Luke said in a clipped tone. He had never been particularly comfortable with Mara bringing her blasters with her every time she came to his house, but this offense had stretched Luke's patience to a point where it was so thin, it was beginning to tear.

"How'd you know..." Mara started, but Luke interrupted,

"Because Ken tried to shoot himself with that a few minutes ago." This sentence sobered Mara immediately. She actually managed to look concerned about it.

"The kiddo? Is he okay?" She asked, wide eyed. Luke shrugged.

"He's at the medcenter." Luke explained, and at Mara's next look, explained, "I'm going to go make sure he's alright as soon as I tell Han and Leia what happened."

"No. Skip it. I'll call your sister and woe befall them if they don't wake up the minute I tell them this news. YOU, meanwhile, get your ass down to that medcenter." Mara snapped, slamming the door in Luke's face, not waiting to hear him reply and tossing her recovered blaster onto the couch. She NEVER lost her blasters, nor did she just leave them places. The kiddo must've taken it last time she'd been over. Sneaky little bastard...

* * *

Luke couldn't help pacing. It was truly frightening to think that Ken had done this to himself. Ken was fifteen, and had been about to start school in the next few weeks. In another month or so after that, Ken would've been sixteen. And Luke couldn't think of anything that might have caused this. Ken had always been cheerful and happy, Luke never would have guessed, and for some reason, Luke had never been able to read Ken with the Force while everyone else around him was impossible to NOT know, they felt so loudly.

Luke gave up and sat down in a chair, his energy sapped right out of him. That nauseous feeling was back. Luke swallowed and forced his stomach back into it's place, letting his eyes fall shut. Now that the adrenaline rush from seeing Ken crumbled on the floor had worn off, he was feeling exhausted, both physically and emotionally worn to the bone. For some reason, every little function of his body was becoming noticeable: from his blood pushing against his veins and arteries almost everywhere in his body to the tingling, itching sensation of slightly dried dead skin on his scalp under his hair. Luke leaned his head against the wall behind him and breathed deeply, trying to calm himself down. It was just because Luke was so tense that he was so conscious of these normally unnoticeable details.

Thinking. Luke knew he had to think. Even if Ken did recover, Luke doubted he would tell Luke why he'd tried to shoot himself. There had to be a reason. Unfortunately, Luke had no clue if Ken had wanted to die because he was depressed, or if he'd been angry, or... or... Luke didn't even understand why ANYONE would want to kill themselves, even if they were depressed. Suicide had never made sense to him. And even if there was a good reason, what had caused Ken to have those feelings? Had he been having problems at school that Luke hadn't been aware of? Maybe it was an imbalance of chemicals in his system... Luke just hoped that Ken wasn't mentally unstable or something like that...

"Yo, farmboy? You alive in there?" Mara Jade had arrived and was knocking on his head with a fist. A concerned Princess Leia and Han Solo, looking like he still thought he was in bed, were right behind her. Leia's brown eyes shifted from the doors of the operating room to her brother, sitting resignedly in a chair. She put a hand on Luke's shoulder. The only time she'd seen Luke this distressed was on board the first Death Star after he'd seen Obi-Wan Kenobi struck down by Darth Vader.

"So... do we know if he's going to be okay?" Leia asked in a hesitant way, almost as though she was trying to figure out what a wound was while poking at it. Luke shook his head, which was hung in his hands. Leia heaved a heavy sigh. Han, who was still hovering around in a half-asleep manner, suggested that they go back to Luke's house and, if they couldn't find anything to tell why Ken would have done this, at least they could get some more sleep until the medics could determine Ken's condition.

* * *

_Tedium is the worst pain._

_Especially when you're the one who others view with tedium._

_Ignorance is the second worst pain._

_Yet, love is a kind of pain, too. If you truly love someone, you'd be willing to go through any pain for them. But then, if they don't love you, it kills you to think about it. And if you find out that they hate you with all their soul... what does it matter?_

_But we all die in the end. Why would it matter, anyway?_

_

* * *

_

Luke was more dead than alive when he opened the door to his bedroom and invited Leia, Han, and Mara in. Mara had been here on more than one occasion, but simply because it was the most comfortable room in the house and she liked comfort when discussing business. As of now, her relationship with Skywalker was only business, and if the farmboy had any other ideas, he was in for another think. Luke did, in fact, feel more for Mara than she felt for him, but he had yet to bring it up to her. It wasn't important yet.

Han, being more tired than anyone else in the group, flopped down on the bed Ken had occupied for as long as he'd been living with Luke. Luke almost protested the near sacrilege, had it not been for Han springing up, crying in pain, and rubbing his backside.

"What the HELL?" He screamed, his tiredness adding to his foul mood. Luke patted the mattress to feel something rather sharp- like the corner of a box or something. There was nothing under the mattress, but rather under the sheet. Several books, a few pens, pencils, a framed picture, and a diary.

The four lay out the treasures hidden under Ken's bedsheet. The books were some interesting volumes, revealing no surprise if Ken had become depressed after reading them: Grendel, Hamlet, Othello, Macbeth, Worlds of Innocence and Worlds of Experience, Lord of the Flies, as well as some blank books which looked like original stories. That explained all the pens, which were all completely out of ink. The picture was one of Han, Leia, Ken, and Luke, after Han and Leia's first 'wedding' on Yavin Four- someone had had an objection to Princess Leia marrying so young to a man ten years older than her and thus, the two were still awaiting an official wedding ceremony, but they were legally married and living together already. Luke wasn't sure, but he was almost positive Han and Leia already had children.

"Wow. The kiddo sure had a lot over his head, didn't he?" Mara asked, picking up the picture and examining it, almost as though she was trying to see through the bright smiles of everyone in the picture.

Han had abandoned all traces of sleepiness and decided the short stories Ken had written were quite interesting.

"This is an interesting one: Ken titled it 'Melted Shards'." Leia murmured, reading the other book...

* * *

_Streaming like burning ice_

_Dripping from the statues of blue_

_All is dead_

_Nothing cries so nobody knows of the pain_

_The water crackles as feathers step across it_

_Snow trips over the rocks in the brook of the sky_

_As the world falls_

_A big black pearl_

_Cursed_

_Tangled in the webs of spiders who are the planets_

_The flies caught in the webs as their moons_

_In silence a chorus plays_

_Unheard with no wish to be seen_

_

* * *

_

"That makes NO sense, whatsoever." Han muttered, looking confused. Leia stared at the book resting in her hands, staring at the seemingly jumbled words, before she recognized where she had seen this writing before.

"It's called 'Stream-of-consciousness', meaning the person writing it writes down anything, any words or thoughts that come into their minds and don't put any grammar or structure into it. Basically unprocessed thought." Leia explained, looking vaguely shocked that this had been written by Ken, who, despite being older, was still just a kid.

"Chipper little thing, wasn't he?" Mara asked, sarcasm dripping off her voice like a melting ice cube. Luke looked pained for a moment.

"Maybe it was only because he was writing in these that he could be so cheerful. As a way for him to let it out, but so we didn't know anything about it." Luke muttered, still staring down at the picture, missing seeing Ken's smiling face already.

"You think that was depressing, how about this?" Han challenged, reading again...

* * *

_Seek out gold and sit on it_

_Such was his advice to me_

_I've found my gold and I_

_Wonder, do I now sit and_

_Wait for it to hatch?_

_I wonder what the chick will_

_Be like if it will know it's own_

_Mommy or if it will be a cute_

_Little one, will it be a girl or_

_Will it be a boy?_

_Will this gold egg crumble or will_

_It go on to make me proud I cared_

_And be a strong beautiful baby or_

_Will instead the egg spoil before it_

_Can be more, and die?_

_

* * *

_

Mara massaged her temples for a moment, looking thoughtful at such a strange string of thoughts, woven together so gracefully. She'd never appreciated art: The Emperor did not care for the worth of other human beings, nor their talents, and instilled no admiration nor respect for the hard work of artists.

"'Seek out gold and sit on it'... I've heard that somewhere before..." She said, her forehead creasing, thought invading her mind. Luke looked through the book entitled 'Grendel'.

"It's here. At the end of chapter five." He said, handing her the book, which Mara took and read.

* * *

**To seek out gold and sit on it means 'Find your purpose in life and do it'.**

**But if they are parallel to each other, doesn't that mean finding your purpose in life is meaningless? Gold is worth nothing if all you do is sit on it. So one's purpose in life is pointless, even if they do it.**

**Especially if they do it.**

**

* * *

**

_If only Kadann had taken that into consideration._

_If only the Emperor had thought of that._

_If only Yoda had pondered that may be the case._

_But then, if EVERYONE were to believe it, what would life be?_

_It wouldn't exist._

_

* * *

_

Han picked up Ken's diary, staring at the black, plain cover, as though it was a strange, foreign thing.

A little lost black sheep that couldn't find it's way back...

What child is this?

"All who think reading Ken's diary will help us understand why he did this, say 'Aye'." He said, holding the book up. Leia frowned and Mara shrugged. Luke's face was a cross between still shocked, saddened, sickened, and apathetic. Han let the book fall open, and began to read.

* * *

_Nihil ex nihilo._

_That explains why I'm so empty.

* * *

_

**Diary,**

**I'm Ken. I left my home, the Lost City of the Jedi, and I've now joined the Rebel Alliance, and Luke Skywalker has been officially appointed by Dee-Jay to be my guardian and mentor from now on! Can you believe that? I mean, I've always thought it would be cool to meet Luke Skywalker and everything: He IS the only Jedi Knight alive, and considering he's also the reason the Empire is gone... I think that makes him a hero if nothing else! But I never thought that I'd be his student. I remember, when I first met him and found out who he was, I'd BOWED because I was so excited and happy. It was incredible. And now I'm going to join the Alliance! Not even Commander Skywalker was as young as I am when HE joined... Okay, so that does kind of sound like I'm boasting but... **(The way there was a pause in the writing, Han, Luke, and Leia could tell that Ken would've been blushing at that if he'd been talking aloud) **Really, it's just a strange thing to think about. I've always wanted to join and so... well... I'm going to! And I'm getting out, too! I'm going to see the sky, the sun, the stars, the moon, rivers, deserts, oceans and seas, oceans of trees, oceans of grass and plains. I'm going to meet PEOPLE and they're all going to be different, with their own personal histories and personalities and some of them might not look perfect, but that's the way they'll be and some of them will be wonderful and kind and warm and some might be cold and nasty and bitter, but... BRING IT ON! I WANT A CHANGE!**

**

* * *

**

_They say a change is as good as a rest._

_Nobody's ever had a true "change" to take a break from the stress of their life._

_A true change would mean to die._

_I want a change..._

_Why do they have to stand in the way of my change? My relaxing rest? Maybe I haven't EARNED it yet..._

_Mind, I do not hate anyone for this continual pain I'm being forced into..._

_I just want it to stop..._

_

* * *

_

The comlink alert buzzed, almost startling everyone in the room enough for Leia to have a heart attack. Luke unfolded his legs, stood up, and went to answer it, silently swearing if it was bad news or a prank call, somebody was going to die.

He switched the alarm off and turned on the link.

"Skywalker." Luke answered, straining to keep his voice in the correct octave.

"Hello, Commander Skywalker. Sorry to bother you like this, but we have a report on..." The woman on the other end paused, almost as though she didn't want to say Ken's name.

"Ken?" Luke pressed, feeling something hot going down his throat, like a burning coal. He touched his lip briefly to find he'd bitten his lip to the point it was bleeding.

"Yes, him... we have a report on his condition: The blaster had shot through a major artery, as well as a few veins- it's only because of the nature of blasters to burn that he didn't lose any blood- and it also briefly punctured one of his lungs." Luke's grip on the comlink tightened, "But... we were able to heal those injuries easily enough. Now we just need to bring... him back to stability- he's not breathing yet, and his heartbeat is irregular, and he still hasn't regained consciousness, so..." Luke gently tapped into the Force, prodding at her mind. She was telling the truth, but their was something else... under all those false pretenses of worry...

Contempt.

"Thank you." Luke said, keeping his tone almost perfectly neutral, before switching the comlink off and turning back to sit down on Ken's bed with Han, Leia, and Mara. Again, Leia put a hand on Luke's shoulder.

"What's wrong?" She asked, staring directly into Luke's blue eyes.

"The nurse who called didn't want to say Ken's name." Luke muttered, swallowing and nearly choking on the burning hot lump in his throat. Leia blinked in shock. Mara raised an eyebrow. Han flinched.

"Ouch." He said, staring from Ken's diary to the shocked look on Luke's face, though it was changing from looking angry to looking... upset... and then finally disappearing as Luke got a hold of his temper.

"Should I keep reading?" Han asked everyone, trying to be as tactful as possible. Leia nodded, Mara shrugged, and Luke managed to barely shake his head affirmative.

* * *

**It's been a year since I wrote in this diary. I've been through a lot with Luke in this year- I guess I just didn't have time to write...**

**I just found out recently who I am: I went with Luke on a trip to Arzid and the Prophets of the Dark Side captured the both of us... and after a series of events I REALLY don't want to write about, Kadann revealed that my father is Triclops... so that means my grandfather was Emperor Palpatine. What does that mean about me? Does that mean I'm not meant to be a member of the Alliance? Am I really going to grow up to be a monster like my grandfather was? I don't WANT to be... I've been so happy here with Luke and Leia and Han... even happier than I was in the Lost City of the Jedi...**

**I'm starting to read this book called 'Grendel'. It's for a report for school. The teacher made us read a story called 'Beowulf' before that. 'Grendel' is supposed to be from the perspective of the monster. Quite frankly, I felt pretty sick after reading the first two chapters. For one thing, I didn't understand it- because it's the way Grendel sees the world, I don't understand what he's talking about- The teacher helped me out with that, so I understand it a bit better than I did at first. For another thing... Grendel kind of reminds me of myself. That might sound strange, but with the whole thing where Grendel can't understand his mother and his mother doesn't understand him... it reminds me of kind of my parents- I've never been able to really communicate with my mother, seeing as how she's dead... and I'd never known my father... But also when Grendel tries to talk to humans and they think he's cursing them... I can't relate to other people around me. Even Luke's grown distant... I think he's more disgusted with me than he said he was...** (Luke's head jerked up and he stared at the book Han was reading from. Han's eyes were wide with shock. Leia had an almost pained look on her face and Mara snorted. Slowly, Luke shook his head. "That's not true..." He muttered, looking just as pained as Leia did. Han continued to read.) **If he's disgusted to know I'm the grandson of Palpatine, he'll probably throw me out if I tell him I love him. I remember reading in the Jedi Order that it was a moral crime for a Jedi to fall in love at all, but sometimes it was pardoned for a Jedi to have a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, if only to reproduce and pass on genes for Force sensitivity... but in the Old Order, it was almost a scandal for a Jedi to fall in love with someone of the same sex as them... because nothing 'productive' could come of a relationship. I wonder... does Luke think like that? Or would he at least accept it? No... even if he would, I don't want him to- it would only make things awkward. So... the only way that this can be resolved without hurt feelings would be if he loved me back, but I know he doesn't- he loves a woman.**

(There was a pause in the writing that said, clearly, Ken had stopped writing for that day and the next entry was a different day altogether.)

**It's funny how you think something will work out, until the moment actually arrives and it's NOTHING like how you expected. Sometimes it's for better, sometimes its for worse. Luke, for instance, is gone almost all the time now. I know he's with Miss Jade a lot. I don't know why- I think it has something to do with work... I wish I knew: I don't like not knowing and KNOWING I don't know something. It's one thing to be completely ignorant, but another to not know something and be aware of the fact that you don't know. Then again, when you find out something when you were completely ignorant before, it's twice a shock, because you have to get over the idea that you didn't even know you didn't know. When you're aware of your lack of knowledge, I guess that makes it a little easier to accept the awful, ugly truth when it's handed to you. **(Luke could tell, by the sheer fact that sentence was so complicated, that Ken had stared at his diary for a good ten minutes after writing that sentence, debating whether or not he should scratch it out or erase it.)** That made no sense, didn't it? I wonder why I bother. My teacher once said that there's this phrase in Latin that means 'Nothing comes from Nothing'- Nihil ex Nihilo. She said it was a phrase associated with nihilism... pessimistic... I guess it is kind of depressing- there was nothing before and and thus everything after it is nothing. But I think it's also hopeful... there is no thing that comes from nothing.**

**But what does that say for me? All that came from my family was darkness.**

**Luke told me Miss Jade had once been pretty much the Emperor's Right Hand. His most trusted servant, even more than Darth Vader after Vader had met Luke on Bespin. I wonder... She seemed to be able to look at me and SEE something! I wonder if she can read minds. That would certainly explain why she's always giving me strange looks whenever she comes over. When she does come, I try to make myself as scarce as possible- she scares me. Especially if she can read my mind. That means all my secrets are out in the open for her to see and know. I wonder if she knows how I feel about Luke... Or if she knows who my grandfather was... I wonder how she would act if she ever found out.**

**

* * *

**

"Hey, Jade... Did you know... about Ken's grandfather?" Han asked, setting Ken's diary aside for a brief moment. Mara nodded.

"Yup. When I came over to discuss an assignment Karrade had given me, I kinda wondered why farmboy here had a thirteen-year-old-kiddo living with him. I asked and farmboy explained everything." Mara said, taking a long sip of a caffeine drink that she'd been sipping on for a while to keep awake. Luke rubbed his eyes and looked at a digital timepiece that said it was 3:46 in the morning. Luke blinked again and the numbers didn't change. Everyone yawned at the same time.

"What did you think? About Ken's grandfather being your old mentor, I mean?" Leia asked, peering at the other woman's face. Mara frowned.

"It was... a bit of a shock for me when farmboy first told me... I mean, the kiddo looks NOTHING like Palpatine, nor does he ACT like Palpatine... I guess at first, I was kinda taken off guard and finding out who the kiddo's grandfather was kind of made me do a double take, you know? But, in a very faint way... it felt like he'd come deliberately to reassure me that Palpatine was still... kind of with me... and I know that Palpatine did terrible things and by all rights, if he hadn't been killed by Vader, he would have been found guilty of many war crimes and executed anyway... he was still the closest thing I ever had to a father and it still affected me on a deep, personal level when he died, right to the point where talking about it sounds completely corny. But the kiddo was also... confusing... there's simply no better word for it." Mara mused, propping her chin in her hand. In the moment of silence that followed, it looked like Luke was debating on whether or not to remind Mara that Ken had a NAME, but on the other hand... Mara Jade calling Ken 'kiddo' was somehow or another fitting...

Love was pain. It was certain. But it was also pleasure, as Ken had never known before. It had a certain warmth to it one could not find anywhere else. It was the darkness and oneness of sleeping in a single bed with your loved one. It was being able to submit to someone else's control over you, and know they wouldn't abuse that power, or you. It was making your beloved feel good, and that was more important to you than your own feelings, yet they also wanted you to feel the same pleasure and that was honestly more important to them than their pleasure. Love was beauty when you were with your loved one, no matter how ugly either of you were.

Ken could see the darkness where he was, and hear the two lovers grappling for each other on the bed. But because he knew where he was, he also knew that Luke's lover wasn't him. He could smell the perfume. Ken hadn't known Miss Jade to be one to wear a lot of that perfume, but he knew that was her scent.

Ken wanted to turn away and at least make it feel like he wasn't spying on their personal life, but the continual, evenness of the darkness made it so that no matter where he stood or where he turned, he was always right next to the bed. He couldn't even cover his ears.

What was worse, he found himself standing in a single beam of light that didn't extend beyond where he was standing. It was more of a wall that blocked him from everything and everything from him. There was white noise surrounding him, unlike the silence of the dark bedroom. Ken felt something slimy and wet touch his feet and he didn't care if it was plasma, blood, tears, sweat, or saliva. A faint, sour scent touched at his nose- his own.

The voices and meaningless, romantic whispers changed to his father's and his mother's. The barrier solidified. By the pieces of words Ken could hear, he knew it wasn't the sexual love of Luke and Miss Jade... it was a much warmer, all accepting, all encompassing love that Ken yearned for more than Luke. Ken thudded against the wall and let himself slide down into the rising pool of redness and salt water.

He didn't care if he drowned.

* * *

_I've long had a dream, that I cannot see_

_I wish to reach it, but I cannot feel_

_For my skin is numb_

_The cold has frozen me and the sun has set_

_The moon and stars stare down at me, refusing their shining warmth_

_And now, in my foolishness, my fingers slipped_

_And I dropped my dream_

_It has shattered upon the glass floor_

_More fragile than life, my dream was_

_Now how fragile am I_

_I dare not take one more step_

_For fear that would shatter me_

_Please remember that _

_As I threaten to slip away_

_

* * *

_

Luke had decided it best if Mara got some sleep. She had a meeting with Karrade at 10 o'clock that morning, and it wouldn't do for the infamous Mara Jade to show up with circles under her eyes or falling asleep every other word.

"Hey, Luke..." Han muttered, a mug of coffee halfway to his lips, "Did the kid ever say anything about how he felt about you?" Luke shook his head, still staring dumbly down at the framed picture. Somehow, it seemed so far away- Ken's face seemed to be disappearing, slowly, surely from the picture. Why would Ken have kept this hidden under his bed sheets? Was he embarrassed about having it? Or did it have some other meaning that only Ken knew about?

"If he'd told you... would you have thrown him out? Please, in the name of all you believe in, say no." Leia asked, looking anxious. Luke flinched. She just had to ask THAT question...

"I don't know, Leia. I really don't know... A part of me wants to say I wouldn't because Ken had nowhere else to go. And I didn't feel the same way for him, but Ken was still important to me... like my first apprentice, if that makes any sense to you. And also kind of like a little brother, or possibly even a son. But... Ken is right... it would have been awkward for Ken to live with me, and still know I didn't feel the same thing he felt for me... But, I think... I really wouldn't have WANTED to keep Ken around if he'd told me... it would have been a bad example... like telling him it was alright to feel that way for another man when..." Luke was cut off by a disbelieving Han.

"OH GOD!" Han said, with obvious exasperation in his voice, "Look, Luke, I don't know exactly where you or anyone else gets these homophobic ideas, but it's STUPID! With a capital S! Saying things like 'It's not proper' or 'It's not right' or 'That's not natural' is only going to cause hurt feelings and alienation. I mean, you love your friends, right? That's 'having feelings' for men, right?" Han snapped, looking quite clearly annoyed. Leia looked between her husband and her brother, resembling a spectator at a tennis match.

"That's different!" Luke insisted. Han scowled.

"Different, how?" He asked. Luke glared back with the nastiest scowl he could muster.

"I don't want to have sex with my friends!" Luke snapped. Han's face warped. Leia couldn't tell if he was disgusted or shocked or angry or what.

"That's got NOTHING TO DO WITH IT! One's physical, one's not! I don't believe you: I thought the Jedi were supposed to be open-minded!" Han was beginning to shout, something that was remedied as Mara threw a pillow at him.

"Shut up... 'm a light sleeper over here..." She muttered, her voice muffled by the pillows. Han shut up.

"Han, we should go home. If Jacen or Jaina wake up from a nightmare, they're going to want their mommy and daddy. Winter won't be able to take care of them." Leia said, shaking Han's shoulder. Han nodded, still glaring at Luke, who was glaring back. The Correllian ex-smuggler swung his legs off the side of Ken's bed and stalked out of the room, Leia following him after just a moment's pause at the door.

"Luke, would you agree that you sometimes can't control what you feel?" She asked her twin brother, who nodded, though mutely, "Well, love is one of those feelings. You can control if you do something about your love- telling the person you love or acting like it or whatever, but you still can't change whether you love them, unless you want to erase all your emotions completely. So, who are you to say it's wrong for Ken to not be able to control his emotions... or for him to not want to be emotionless?" Leia said, softly. Luke's head whipped around, as though on a string to gape at his sister, who walked out, closing the door behind her, giving Luke a final, sad look. Luke continued to stare after where his sister had walked out. Leia simply didn't say things like that and yet... she'd somehow managed to hit Luke right where it mattered.

Luke sat there, alone, staring down at Ken's books, poetry, prose, stories, and diary. Slowly, feeling something akin to shock spread slowly over his skin, Luke reached to pick up Ken's diary and continued to read.

* * *

**Luke doesn't even talk to me anymore. He's forgotten I exist. That has it's advantages: I always say 'I love you'... every day, actually, but he doesn't hear me, so I don't have to deal with rejection or any of that. And I feel a bit better about things. But it still hurts, especially when Luke never replies. Sometimes, I can't fall asleep at night, and so I get out of my bed, crawl in next to Luke and listen to his heartbeat until I fall asleep. But then I have to wake up early and go back to my own bed so Luke won't suddenly notice and start hating me. **(Luke propped his face up in one hand, shaking his head in disbelief, wishing that Ken's words weren't so close to the truth.)** I used to curl up listening to Zeebo breathing when I couldn't sleep. But then, Zeebo died... I guess I shouldn't complain... He was old for a mooka... **(Luke blinked, realizing with a start that he hadn't even noticed the absence of the furry, feathered, four-eared little animal that had once been Ken's pet.) ** But that doesn't mean I don't miss him. It really doesn't matter, though... I guess... It could be worse... Zeebo could've been killed... When my literature class was reading 'Lord of the Flies', we had to learn about something called the 'Loss of Innocence' cycle. A person's journey from innocence to experience has to start with a betraying experience... what was my experience? When I first went to topworld and saw the forest fire the Empire had started? When I was told my grandfather was Emperor Palpatine? When Luke started ignoring me? No... that would be somewhere in the 'Suffering and Trials' category... Maybe it was when I saw the forest fire... Either way, Loss of Innocence ends with death- either the character or someone close to the character. Zeebo was my death. I don't know what was harder- having to accept that Zeebo had died, or having to bury him, by myself. Maybe they're the same thing in the end. I don't care anymore.**

(Again, there was a break signaling a new day. A new entry. A new end.)

**"To be or not to be? That is the question. Whether it's 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing, end them? To die, to sleep, no more! And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is her heir to, 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished." That's basically asking if it's better to live or if it's better to die. The verse goes on to say, in much longer terms, that it's better- it's braver- to die because it means you're not scared... you want to explore the unknown of the eternity after death and it doesn't bother you that your body will rot into a banquet for maggots and flies. But then, it's more noble to continue to live, as long as you DO something with your life- because it proves you're strong in mind and will to stand up to the pain of living. That Shakespeare guy seemed to have a disease if it took him so many words just to get a simple point like that across. I don't know what I want to be, though... I've already DONE something, but... what good is it doing? Even little things, even wanting to wish somebody goodbye and a safe journey, I end up causing them trouble. Does that mean I'm just hurting people when I try to help? Seek out gold and sit on it I'm really not See, even when I'm trying to write about it, I screw up! I don't WANT to screw up... I want to help people. I want to make a meaning for myself, one that won't be useless.**

**Or maybe that's impossible. ** (The last part of the page was wrinkled and smelled of salt and the ink from the other side had bled through, just a little. It made Luke's heart thud painfully in his chest to think of Ken crying over his diary like the image in his head imagined. The Jedi forced himself to keep reading.) **To seek out gold and sit on it means 'Find your purpose in life and do it'. ****But if they are parallel to each other, doesn't that mean finding your purpose in life is meaningless? Gold is worth nothing if all you do is sit on it. So one's purpose in life is pointless, even if they do it. Especially if they do it. Why didn't I see that sooner? It would've saved me a lot of time and pain... It really was selfish of me to keep living, wasn't it? Nobody wants me around, anymore... Captain Solo and Princess Leia have a family of their own **(Luke was only slightly privately amused that Ken still referred to Han and Leia as 'Captain Solo' and 'Princess Leia' despite all these years of being on a closer than formalities basis.) **and Luke has Miss Jade... I know he loves her. That's why I don't want to kiss Luke- I don't know if he's told her yet, or if they've kissed, or anything... I don't want to take Luke's first kiss from him, especially since he doesn't love me. Call me stupid, call me corny, but it just... I would hate that: if someone who I didn't care about kissed me before someone who I DID care about... **(Though, Luke reflected, it was really Leia who'd taken his first kiss. In retrospect, Luke realized that was probably really embarrassing for her.) **So... I'm just the odd one out. The third, or I guess the fifth wheel. The understudy. It makes me feel... stupid. I feel like a thief, taking up their time. Or a prostitute, because I'm so dirty. "Whore. Impudent strumpet." They don't need me around. Nor would they want me...**

**Did you know, if you catch rain as it falls from the sky, especially by accident, it tastes like blood? That's because it's giving life back to the planet. But it also tastes like wine. I read that in a book somewhere. **(Luke blinked at this singularly odd statement. It seemed so out of place.)

**Miss Jade came over today and I guess I kind of owe her a thank you- She left a blaster in the pocket of her jacket and wasn't watching so... I took it. I REALLY don't want to use something like medicines or weird chemicals to poison myself, and choking takes too long. Just one short blast right through the heart and everything will be over, quick and easy and painless. I remember Yoda's philosophy: "The quick and easy path will lead to evil." I disagree. The sooner I'm gone, the less hurt I'll do to other people. I just need to check one thing, and then, I'm ready. Just need to make sure I know exactly where to aim...**

**I reread 'Grendel' last night. I can't help but notice, in all these stories, the characters get screwed over because they mess up. Hamlet made a mistake in his sword fighting and got cut with a poisoned sword, while his mother accidentally drank the poisoned wine... Othello made the mistake of BELIEVING when his followers told him that his wife was cheating on him... Grendel slipped on the floor and that's how Beowulf got the upper hand on him.**

**Poor, poor characters. "Poor Grendel's had an accident... So may you all."**

**I know what my accident was. My accident was leaving my mother's womb.**

**

* * *

**

Luke closed Ken's diary and curled into a ball. He couldn't help it- it almost seemed like the diary itself was emanating feelings of its own. Luke could feel the misery, self-loathing, weariness, and bitterness that Ken must have felt when he wrote in it. It ate at Luke, like Ken was almost accusing him in a passive, somehow roundabout way. He swallowed hard to loosen the lump in his throat- he almost wanted to throw up.

"Hey, farmboy, you okay?" Mara Jade had woken up and poked at his head. Luke managed to barely shake his head. She sat next to him for a moment, staring at him.

"What's wrong?" She asked, knowing that if she didn't ask, the farmboy would try to get out of answering. Luke swallowed, again before managing to talk.

"I've been ignoring him... I've hurt him..." Luke muttered, his face pressed against his knees, trying to be man enough to not cry. Mara gave him a sharp slap against the back.

"Come on, you're a man, aren't you? Quit acting like a chicken and start crying." She snapped, sounding irritated. Luke wondered if he'd said it out loud about crying. No matter, once the first sob escaped him, he couldn't stop, not caring that he could feel Mara Jade's stares on his back.

"'Sides, you're still just a farmboy... not like I'm gonna hold it against you..." She added, trying to lift the mood. Luke couldn't reply between choked breaths.

Then the alarm for the comlink buzzed. Luke almost fell over himself, running for it.

"Skywalker." He panted, crossing his fingers, hoping, praying...

"Yes, hello Commander Skywalker. We have good news for you: Ken's heartbeat and breath are stable. He's unconscious, and he doesn't have enough energy to take very deep breaths, so we have him hooked up to a respirator until he can regain his strength to breathe on his own, but aside from that, he'll be fine. You can come and visit him, if you'd so desire." A cheerful voice said through the comlink. It was a different nurse, and this one, Luke could tell, was genuinely happy that Ken hadn't died. Luke felt something even greater than relief wash over him- he had to sit down.

"Um... yes... I'll be over in a moment." Luke said, hurriedly, setting the comlink down and quickly pulling on his shoes.

"Kiddo gonna be okay?" Mara asked, looking like she actually gave a damn. Luke nodded, looking half relieved and half anxious.

"I'm just going to go and visit... want to be there when he wakes up." Luke explained, making a dive for the door and running. Mara almost laughed, but then added,

"He damn well better pull through, farmboy: He's the only reason I was putting up with you." She murmured.

* * *

"Daddy?"

"Mmm?"

"Why're you so mad?"

"How do you know I'm mad?"

"We just do. Both of us. So why?"

"Your Uncle Luke's been having problems today."

"And?"

"And he's not dealing with them very well. I kind of got irritated about that."

"Is Uncle Luke okay?"

"I don't know..."

"I think he's okay. He's... scared... but also kind of happy... and if Uncle Luke is happy, then isn't he okay?"

"Yeah, I guess he is, Anakin."

"That's MY little brother!"

"Okay, but Miss Winter told me you three woke up at two in the morning and didn't go back to sleep until five- right before Mommy and Daddy came home... aren't you still tired?"

blink "No. Why?"

sigh "Great..."

That's when Jacen and Jaina teamed up and tackled their father while Anakin cheered his brother and sister on.

* * *

_Low and soft, soft and low_

_Such is the sea, the wind will blow_

_Rise and fall, fall and rise_

_The last is breath, first empires in the skies_

_Sleep and dream, dream and sleep_

_But no joy lies in them, while my soul does weep_

_

* * *

_

Luke hated hospitals. He didn't know where he'd gotten it from... maybe because of all the bad experiences he had in or leading up to hospital stays. But it was also every little thing about them.

Hospitals had this... this smell to them that truly made Luke sick to his stomach. It wasn't because it smelled bad... not like something rotting or spoiled... it was a clean kind of bad smell- maybe a lack of smell... Even in his own house, Luke smelled something- the carpet, the plaster in the walls, his own scent which had seeped into the rooms... many people passed off the scent of their homes as having no scent at all... it was simply that you couldn't tell when you were smelling your own scent because you ALWAYS smelled yourself. The sterility of the hospital was terrible. It stung at Luke's eyes and made him blink so much, it was a surprise he could see anything.

Then, there was the sound. Hospitals were so unnaturally quiet. It was a strange combination of white noise, lack of noise, beeping machines, and other machines, but, even in a crowded room where everyone was silent, you could still hear life in the room. In this bright white room, Luke couldn't hear life. It made him nervous- did that mean Ken was dead? No... his heart was still beating, he was still breathing... but there was a strange way that the empty hospital drowned out any sound of life.

There was the people, or sometimes the lack thereof. There had been a sitter in the room before Luke had come- in suicidal or homicidal cases, there always had to be somebody staying with the patient to make sure they wouldn't try anything, but since he was there, the sitter had gone to get some coffee and call in the next sitter. Even when there WAS somebody in the room, they had a blank, empty look on their face. The nurse that had called Luke this time was a rare exception- a medic who was truly devoted to her line of work and sincerely wanted to help people- but so many of the other nurses or doctors were just here because they could do it, they were good at it, and it paid. Luke remembered the thoughts of the nurse who had called the first time... :Poor little bastard. Probably won't make it through the night... Wish he'd just hurry up and die, if he's going to...:

Luke squeezed Ken's hand even tighter.

::: That hurts. ::: Luke almost jumped and looked at Ken. His eyes were open just a sliver, but his lips hadn't moved. Luke calmed down enough to tap into the Force to return the communication.

::: I'm sorry. ::: He replied, swallowing the returning lump in his throat and meaning it in more than one way.

::: It's okay. You just have a firm grip. ::: Ken thought, deliberately misinterpreting. Luke shook his head.

::: Not that. I meant... I'm sorry, for ignoring you. ::: Luke held back a flinch. Ken continued to stare up at the ceiling through his slitted eyelids.

::: Don't apologize if you're not sorry. ::: Ken's 'voice' sounded hollow. Empty. He truly meant it- believed Luke wasn't sorry, believed that he was just going through the motions. Luke kept his face neutral- he deserved this; he was getting EXACTLY what he deserved from all those months... or was it a full year? It frightened Luke to think he didn't even notice when he'd begun to ignore the young Jedi Prince.

::: I... I know... you're upset about... ::: Ken managed to shake his head a little.

::: Not THAT. I meant because I'm leaving. ::: Which left Luke very confused, ::: You love Miss Jade, right? ::: Luke nodded, starting to have a very bad feeling about this, ::: Well, I love you. And when you love someone, you want them to be happy, no matter what. But, if I'm around, there will always be an awkward tension between us, especially after this. And when that comes to terms, you'll never be happy. ::: Ken concluded. Luke shifted his weight, nervously.

::: Ken, I... ::: Luke stammered, one of his hands, shaking, as Ken turned his impassive gaze upon him, ::: I messed up. I understand that, and I'm sorry. There's no way that I can apologize enough for ignoring you like that, and you've told me that with just the few words you've said. But... I still care about you... if not the way you feel about me, you're almost like a brother to me... or a son... and I'd be hurt if you died or got killed... but it hurts even more that you've tried to kill yourself... that you're giving up on life... ::: Luke squeezed Ken's hand in a death grip. Ken shook his head, just a little bit.

::: I'm not giving up. I'm being smart. 'A smart man knows what he can and cannot do'... I'm just not cut out for living. ::: Ken's thoughts still sounded weak, like he truly was giving up. Resigned.

::: Why do you have to die? Why do you want to? ::: Luke asked, staring down sadly at Ken. Ken's eyes opened again, just a little.

::: I want to be with my family. My mother's gone, and so is my father. This is the only way. ::: Ken stared at Luke, who really didn't have anything to say to that. He understood all too well the desire to be with one's family. The only difference was that he still had his sister. Ken... was completely alone.

::: Besides... it's a crime for a Jedi to love another of the same sex. Just weeding out the imperfections. ::: Luke nearly crushed Ken's hand at that.

"That's not true!" He hissed out loud. Behind the oxygen mask, Luke could see a bitter, sad smile playing out across Ken's lips. Luke shook his head, feeling the same shock as from earlier crawling over his skin again.

::: Ken, the Old Order fell apart because it was so discriminatory. It's time for a change. A reform. ::: Luke explained, trying to be as calm as possible in this situation. Ken gave Luke a look that said, without words or thought, 'You change, then.'

::: Luke, just be happy. You've got your life, I've had mine, but it's better if I get my destiny over with. Someday, death will be your destiny too. ::: Ken said, squeezing Luke's hand. Luke blinked. For some reason, that made him feel... better...

The feeling came back to Luke's fingertips, again. Ken's eyes were closed, and Luke, even though he knew better, even though it was wrong, even though he knew the consequences would be dire, reached out and removed the oxygen mask. Ken took a few shallow breaths of his own for a moment, before Luke leaned over and pressed a kiss to his lips.

::: This isn't my first. You're not dirty, and you're not a thief. ::: Luke told Ken, silently, knowing Ken was smiling his first true smile in a long, long time. Luke pulled away and stared as Ken smiled serenely at him, his mouth shaping the words 'Thank you' before his head sank back, into the pillow.

The heart monitor began to buzz, a single, long, never ending beeping noise. The noise faded. The light dimmed. The curtain dropped.

* * *

_My son is lost,  
My joy is gone,  
My day is done,  
The night is long..._

_Sad I scream,  
Tomorrow I die,  
Best fight with body,  
Whilst my soul will cry..._

_The pain for me,  
He suffered dear,  
Grendel don't be sad,  
Mommy is here..._

_

* * *

_

As per Ken's wish, Luke trudged through the rainy streets to Mara Jade's apartment. Ken was right- death would be everyone's destiny someday. Everything in life was important, important enough that it needed to be done before it was too late.

Mara's apartment wasn't trashy, per say, but it was definitely cheap. Luke supposed Mara did that purposely so she could save her credits for more important things- like supplies, traveling costs, and other such things she needed for when she went on missions for Karrade. Luke swallowed another lump in his throat and knocked.

"C'mon in." Mara said through the door. Luke took a deep breath and opened the door. Mara had a suitcase out and was packing some clothes into it, as well as several things he'd seen her take on missions before. However, a box was open and he could see things like her lamps, portable stove and oven... it almost looked like Mara was moving out.

"So, the kiddo's dead, huh?" She said. Mara knew the answer, which was never a good sign. Luke nodded, trying to ignore the unease in his stomach. Mara stood up and turned to face him. She stared for a long time.

"Aw, you're even acting like you actually give a damn. Well? Is that all?" Mara asked, irritated. Luke shook his head.

"Before Ken died... he told me that I had to do this. He asked me to, so..." Luke tried his best not to choke: the look Mara was giving him was REALLY setting him on edge, "Mara, I love you."

There was silence. Mara stared at him, impassive, almost bored. She'd been expecting this, Luke understood that. But why was she staring at him, almost as though expecting something else. The air hung thick.

"What? Are you expecting me to feel sorry for you or something?" She asked, glaring. Luke felt his stomach flip. He didn't like the sound of that. Not one bit.

"Get out, Skywalker. Get out of my apartment and if you come back before I've left, I will tear your head off with my bare hands." She snarled. Luke took a step back. He almost felt like his heart had stopped beating, either that, or the blood in his veins had frozen to solid ice.

"Didn't you hear me? GET OUT! You think after killing him like that, you could just come crawling to me and expect me to forgive you? I hate you! I've ALWAYS HATED YOU! Don't you DARE tell me you love me: I HATE YOU SO MUCH, I'M SURPRISED I DIDN'T CHOKE ON IT SOONER!" Mara was beginning to shout, and each word went right to Luke's bones. The numb feeling was back and this time, it wasn't just his skin. Luke's head started to shake of it's own accord.

"You KILLED him. You killed the last hope I had. Ken was the only reason I kept coming back to you: because, even if he wasn't Palpatine, he was still a descendant, who might have just corrected everything Palpatine had done. You've ended the line- now, the only person with the chance to truly change the bad things Palpatine did is gone. I hope you're FUCKING PROUD OF YOURSELF: The Palpatine line is ended, and you've completely screwed over the galaxy. It will NEVER be the way it was, EVER AGAIN, because you killed him! Give yourself a prize, why don't you!" Mara was screaming. Luke's ears were ringing, his head was spinning as every word she shouted sank in. She was beginning to shout a bit more, but Luke had a feeling it was because she just wanted to let off some more anger. The truly important things, she'd said already.

"Now. Get out, and don't come back." Mara finally said, and Luke, in a daze, stumbled out the door.

* * *

_The_

_Pain_

_Of_

_Life_

_Is_

_The_

_Pain_

_Of_

_Death_

_Which_

_Comes_

_Only_

_From_

_Daring_

_To_

_Step_

_Out_

_And_

_Show_

_Your_

_Naked_

_Fleshy_

_Self_

_Without_

_Your_

_Shell_

_-A Crab's Philosophy _

Written by Ken Palpatine

* * *

Luke shivered from the cold rain. Drops fell heavily from the sky and dampened the world into a gray, blurry mess, numbing all feeling and silencing all noise. Rain looked and sounded like death. All the more irony then, that the soil and plants smelled refreshed and the whole of the planet smelled clean, and rejuvenated, and alive after a rain storm. Luke tilted his head back to look up at the dark gray clouds, ignoring the water that ran down his face and got in his eyes and made them sting. Raindrops caught on his lips and as Luke accidentally swallowed, a faint taste of blood touched his tongue, washed over with a sweet, berry like taste, but bitter, as though fermented.

Wine. Ken had been right. Again.

Luke shuddered.

There were footsteps. Luke looked up to see, still wearing the same gray clothes he'd last been seen in, Triclops. Luke's eyes widened. His hair was longer, matted, no longer standing up, but hanging down, heavy with rain water clinging to it, not pure white anymore, but dirty. His skin was worn and beaten, scarred much more heavily than when Luke had last seen him. Luke remembered with a start that Ken had said his father was gone. But, here he was, standing right before Luke, no more dead than Luke. Luke couldn't hold Triclops' gaze and began to stare at his feet again.

"Commander Skywalker... where is my son?" He asked, in a mournful voice. Luke didn't need to look to see the pain on Triclops' features. He could feel it through the Force, but he could also hear it, ringing plain and clear. Luke knew that Triclops had, if nothing else, a vague idea, and was just asking because he was hoping Luke would tell him he wasn't right. That made it harder to admit it.

"He's dead, Triclops." Luke muttered, trying not to choke and failing miserably, "I'm sorry... but he's dead. He killed himself." Luke lied. Well, technically, Ken had killed himself, but Luke had been the one to take the oxygen mask away.

"Oh." Triclops said, which made Luke shiver even more, "Thank you. They wouldn't tell me that at the medcenter." Triclops said. Luke didn't know which was more degrading: having to tell Ken's father that his only son had killed himself...

Or having Triclops say 'Thank you' for it...

Luke reached into his pocket and pulled out the half dome crystal Ken had always worn around his neck. For some strange reason, Luke felt like his hands had blood on them, simply by staring at the crystal.

Out, damned spot.

Luke extended one hand, as Triclops held out his own, with the other half of the crystal. Luke blinked.

"Ken's mother gave this crystal as a whole to me when we found out we were going to be parents. Please keep it safe: I don't want to be buried with it." Triclops explained, placing his own half of the crystal in Luke's hand and walking away. Luke could only stare after him, even though he knew Triclops was walking towards his own death.

* * *

_There is a tree- a sobbing tree,_

_It's named the Weeping Willow._

_It's branches are vines- it's leaves are ropes,_

_Strong enough to hold a man._

_It cries for all, who wish to leave,_

_And cries for those who wish to stay_

_For 'To be or not to be'_

_It has compassion for both._

_There is a tree- a blood red tree,_

_Where traitors go to hang themselves._

_I wonder which I will rest under,_

_The same as my father, I suppose._

_-Judas_

Written by Ken Palpatine

* * *

The door opened and closed. Leia looked up from where she'd been reviewing a report for the Alliance to see her thoroughly soaked and downtrodden brother. Despite her annoyance with him that morning, Leia couldn't help feeling sorry for him.

"Luke, what's wrong?" Leia asked. Luke shook his head, scattering water everywhere, except, by some miracle, over Leia's papers. Leia sighed, put away her work and went to get a towel and some tea. She came back to find Luke still standing in the doorway. She had to drag her brother over to a chair and make him sit down, putting the towel on his head and drying his hair. Han was still upstairs, playing with Jacen, Jaina, and Anakin. Good. That meant the three little one's wouldn't come down and see their Uncle Luke like this.

"Okay, Luke. Tell me what's wrong." Leia commanded, staring straight into Luke's eyes. They were unfocused, almost as though Luke wasn't really there. His soul didn't seem to be properly in place in his body.

"I killed him, Leia... I killed Ken..." Luke whispered, but with the pain and shock behind those words, Luke could've just as well shouted them. Leia's jaw dropped, shock seizing her and chills going down her spine before she regained her composure enough to pull her twin into an embrace, trying to be soothing as Luke broke down and started to cry without reserve into her shoulder.

"Triclops is going to kill himself, too. I just know it." Luke said, miserably, and the only reason it didn't take Leia by surprise was simply because she was in too much shock for anything else to scare her anymore.

"Triclops is back?" She asked. Luke nodded. Leia blinked once, twice, three times before she regained control of her tear ducts. She could tell what had happened- Luke had had to tell Triclops about everything, and couldn't do anything as Triclops walked off to end his own life. And from the utter despair and pain she could feel her brother emanating, she could also tell about his encounter with Mara Jade. Leia hugged Luke even tighter.

"Leia... is this karma? Because I hurt Ken so much... is this fate getting back at me and making me understand what I did to him from firsthand experience?" Luke whispered, shaking. Leia's eyes opened even wider in shock and pulled back from the hug to shake her brother by his shoulders and stare him straight in the eye.

"No, Luke. Don't you even START with that." She scolded. Luke peered up at her, weakly, disbelieving, almost even meek. Leia shook her head again, just in case her brother was stupid enough to doubt it.

"Mommy?" Leia jumped back to see two ice blue eyes sparkling at her.

"Anakin? I didn't hear you come down..." Leia said, quickly regaining herself. Anakin tilted his head to the side a little, blinking innocently at her.

"Well... Jacen and Jaina are starting to kill Daddy. I thought I should come get you so you can stop them." Anakin said, pointing up the stairs to his sibling's bedroom. Leia smiled, unable to help it- her son was so adorable.

"Oh, are they, now? Well, we can't kill people in THIS family: I'll go stop them. Can you stay here with your Uncle Luke?" Leia said, half-joking, but also aware that it was a much more touchy subject with Luke in the room. Anakin nodded and hugged his Uncle's lower leg to prove his point, watching his mother go up the stairs to the bedroom.

Anakin turned his gaze on Luke, who was still staring at the floor.

"Uncle Luke are you okay?" Anakin, pulling himself into his Uncle's lap. Luke blinked as Anakin's eyes, so much like his own, bored into his soul. Luke pulled Anakin into a hug, not answering, drawing a sniffling breath.

"Uncle Luke, I think you've got a cold." Anakin said, pressing a tiny, cool hand to Luke's forehead. Luke chuckled at the gesture.

"Yes, I think I do, too." He agreed.

* * *

The next day, the rain had subsided. The ground smelled sweet and clean, birds were chirping in their nest, flowers were colorful again, and the alive sound of people filled the air. Except in this spot. There as only a little grass over the mounds of earth with markers on them. One was for the father, the other for the son. Their ashes were buried beneath their respective markers.

Luke, Han, and Leia stood before them. Nobody carried flowers- it would have been an insult to both Ken and his father to kill something, just because it was beautiful, only to leave them over their ashes. Instead, Luke had a package of seeds in one hand, with the other, scattering them on the ground.

Leia held open the book 'Hamlet' from under Ken's bed. Waiting for her brother to finish, she read the last line,

"Goodnight, sweet Prince. And a flock of angels, sing thee to thy rest."

* * *

_Mother, Father, Grandparents old._

_Such a smile, I've never worn._

_The greatest joy, is here._

_In the arms of those who love me._

_-Safe at Last_

Written by Ken Palpatine

A/N: I'm so sorry for this. But this is supposed to be a modern piece. Dedicated to my Modern Lit. teacher, Ms. Skoglund.

Let's see what she can interpret. I can think of plenty of things.


End file.
